Bobby goes from bullied to bully after learning a counterattack move in a self-defense class--for women.
After an accident at his gun club destroys Dale's confidence, Peggy proposes sending him on a bogus mercenary mission, which he fouls up.
A female cop gets a hankerin' for Hank; Peggy accidentally brings back a native child after a school field trip to Mexico.
Hank's emotional outburst pushes him further from his father, so Bobby drafts Jimmy Carter to broker a Christmas peace.
After Bobby feigns taking Connie's father's bribe to break up with her, Connie lets her grades slip to show how upset she is without him.
Bobby adjusts to his breakup with Connie, until Bill's depressing experiences break his spirit. So Hank sends him to ladies' man Boomhauer.
Peggy nominates Bobby to carry the Olympic torch through Arlen, but it's Hank who wins the honor--and bungles it.
Peggy leads a troupe of "wenches" to protest their unfair treatment at the Renaissance Faire, where Hank is trying to land a big-money propane account.
Hank and the boys recruit Connie for a bluegrass fiddle contest, but Kahn insists that she focus on classical music.
A con man offers "genius" Peggy an at-home doctorate course, which she finances with the Hills' retirement fund.
Cotton's financially strapped VFW group moves into Hank's home, prompting Hank to recruit Vietnam vets, to whom Cotton doesn't exactly cotton.
Unable to find a full-time teaching job, Peggy pretends to be a nun to land a position at a Catholic school, ending her budding career at Strickland Propane.
After learning the Army used him as a guinea pig for an experimental drug, Bill gets drunk and steals a tank. And it's up to his friends to try to return it.
When Hank and Dale find more interest in the activities of the other's son, Dale concludes he's not Joseph's father--and that an alien is.
Kahn covets membership in an all-Asian country club, but it's Hank who's asked to join--as a token white to secure a PGA tournament.
Peggy gets a job at Alamo Beer, but a clause in her contract prevents her from telling Hank why Texas is completely devoid of the brew for the next 36 hours.
Oblivious to its cultlike ways, Luanne joins a sorority and gets Peggy in too; Hank and the boys rescue emus from death, but don't know what to do with them.
Hank learns that the incident estranging Dale from his cowboy father was a cover to keep him in the dark about Dad being in the closet.
Hank is shaken after having a dream about grilling burgers...naked...with Nancy. And the situation is stirred when Peggy finds out.
Bill is heartbroken when the beautiful jogger he's pining for falls for Boomhauer, who is in turn heartbroken himself when the jogger dumps him.
The Hills are off to Japan so Cotton can apologize to the widow of a soldier he killed in WWII, but something about Cotton's story doesn't quite add up.
Cotton runs amuck in Tokyo when rejected by his newly found Japanese son.
